The New iPhone Looks Like a Norelco Shaver

Stephen Wunderli
by Stephen Wunderli — 2 years ago in Technology 3 min. read

Just when we thought Apple was getting its mojo back after the hack on iOS that was able to specifically target a population (Uighars, a Muslim minority group in China), Apple announces the “new” iPhone 11 Pro that has Norelco designers shaking their heads and saying: “Wait a minute, we came up with that design years ago!”

The three-camera configuration bumps out the back and begs the question: “Can I switch out the cameras with Norelco replacement blades?” That would be cool. A phone that listens to everything you say so you get ads served while you’re shaving with the phone itself!

This is the kind of phone you get when you build an isolated ecosystem that has everybody walking in circles validating each other’s existence. Somewhere in the Appleshpere there are plans to expand the campus to three circles in a triangle pattern: One circle for collecting closeup data on people’s lives. One for a wide view of the data they’ve collected. And one ultra wide view of global domination.

Oh the vanity!

The new phone comes with “slofie” mode, slow motion video for selfies. As if Apple users aren’t already self-absorbed enough. Apple used to focus on educating the world’s young people. Now their focus is to make them look pretty. Steve Jobs corpse just spit up on his black mock turtleneck.

The cult of Apple just reached Heaven’s Gate proportions—all those people waiting in line for their ticket to the imminent spaceship, giddy at the prospect of slofies while they board. The rest of us are such fools!

Here’s the reality. There are already better phones out there than this newest cultural-belonging badge.

Huawei’s P30 has three Leica lenses. It has a night setting that is truly mind-blowing. Every serious photographer comparing the two cameras is astounded at the depth of the pro settings on the P30. And the battery lasts 45 hours!

OK, so Huawei got some bad press for their servers supposedly spying. But think about this: if Huawei really wanted to spy on U.S. citizens through their phones, all they would have to do is hack Google or Apple or Verizon. Those mega-tech companies know more about their users (which is about all of us) than the NSA. Of course we are being spied on! The question is: “Who would we rather it be?”

And look, Samsung has a really cool folding phone that may actually work in the future. And the OnePlus 7 Pro is incredibly fast.

But, here’s the thing…absolutely no one is talking about the single most-important issue with smartphones today.

Until there is a wholesale change on the operating system level, all of these companies collect your data and beam it back to big brother.

Apple isn’t above this. They’re not even safe from hackers, in fact, they’ve done backdoor deals already (see Uber scandal).

Apple used to lead in technology, then it became a culture company with great technology. Now their products are on par with everybody else and the only thing they have left is culture. At some point the followers will realize that the iPhone 11 Pro wasn’t the comet they were looking for and the spaceship isn’t coming.

So I have to ask: “Can I get a Bluetooth nose-trimmer accessory with that phone?”

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